From day one I was set up to hate you

I was determined to hate you

your presence stalked my very soul and I was sooo fucking ready to hate you when the day came for you to make your first shining appearance in your capslock angry grey text ranting glory

And I tried. I tried so FUCKING hard to hate you. And at certain points I really do hate you. But not because of my intentions. 

I have to face the facts that you stalked my life for a reason (at least to a certain extent. Some of that chance shit was just too fucking creepy. And that needs to stop happening. Like right the fuck now. Seriously.) You are very much me at times. More than others would ever fucking get. Certain mannerisms or habits, I just sit there and think, holy shit. I do that. Am I looking to much into this? Maybe everyone does that? maybe it’s like an everyone kind of thing? But what if it isn’t? What if I’m just really fucking weird and the only person who seems to exhibit this fucking trait, with whom I can relate to, is a fictional fucking mutant alien troll who tries to be a lot of things that he’s not but is so fucking perfect in ways I can’t even explain.

fuck

You were the me that I tried so desperately to change. A younger me. And still sometimes the things that I say or think or do when no ones around, before I have the chance to censor myself to make everything more appropriate, or more acceptable very much reflect this and it’s so damn jarring at times.

You are the deepest fears that I have that my life was destined to, no, doomed to end in the greatest fuck up the world has ever seen and it will all be no one’s fault but my own. (even though it really wont be. Not really.)

Okay, so maybe I’m being ever so slightly over dramatic. Fuck off, it’s my introspective monologue and I can be as grandiose and obtuse as I very well fucking please thank you very much. 

Basically the whole point of this ranting nonsense that you just painfully wadded your way through is that I have a whole lot of goddman feelings about Karkat Vantas that I don’t really talk about frequently and will more often than not deny ever existed when asked about, alright?

Messy feelings and shit are not fun to talk about. especially when they are over characters from a webcomic about fictional 13yrolds and their grey alien friends playing a game to save the fucking world or whatever the fuck Homestuck is at least supposed to be about.

There. Wrote a goddamn essay for you.